This Is Your Karma Speaking

Where hawkers and touts are concerned, there is a special place in hell for those who not only hound you to buy, but who pretend to be telling the truth,  just until they get you hooked. Then, it's a whole different story.

When I approach the burning ghats in Varanasi, a self-appointed "tour guide" asks me if I want to learn about the cremation process. I know he's not any sort of an official guide,  just some joker looking for a quick buck. But I am interested in the burning ghats, and I'm a little hesitant to just walk around by myself (although it is permissible, and many visitors do), so I'm willing to pay someone to be my guide.  

I ask him point blank: "How much is this going to cost me?"

He pretends to be insulted.
"It is as you wish, madam. If you wish, you can help us pay for the wood for the pyres."

I've heard this "as you wish" thing in India many times; it is intended to mean that it is a donation, the amount being up to you. But I've been in India long enough to know that it's never "as you wish." There is always an expectation. So I persist in trying to negotiate a price. But he is equally stubborn.

"Madam, this is not a business. How much you help us, it is your karma."

I finally give up and let him proceed. When he's done with the 15-minute tour, I pull out a 100 rupee note (which is probably equivalent to a day's salary for the average worker here). He glances at it but doesn't take it.

"Aah - but we have a minimum payment of two kilograms of wood."

All of a sudden, my karma comes with a minimum deposit!!

I hand him his minimum (a 500 rupee note) but I'm not happy about it.  That kind of blatant deception really infuriates me.

"I asked you directly, how much is this going to cost me? You told me it was a donation, and it was my karma. Now, you are telling me a different story.  Why didn't you just tell me the truth when I asked you? You shouldn't deceive tourists this way! 

He looks at me with a sneer.
"So, now you are going to teach me something? You think you are my mama?"

I'm tempted to say, your mama did a lousy job of raising you if you spend your days ripping off tourists. But, who knows what dissing someone's mama would do to my karma. So I walk away, disgusted.

When I convey this story to someone later, they warn me: "You should be careful. The touts in southern India hassle you for your money. But the ones up there [in northern India], they'd just as soon slit your throat for your money."  This gives me the giggles. Slitting my throat on a cremation ground - now wouldn't that be the perfect crime, eh?  Just dump the body on the closest funeral pyres and go on your merry way!

But on the other hand, since Hindus believe that dying in Varanasi is a guaranteed ticket to heaven, maybe I should have stood my ground...

Later, I ask another fellow who strikes up a conversation with me:  "Why is everyone here so concerned about my karma, but they don't pay any attention to their own? If you are a believer in karma, shouldn't you be worried that each time you rip off a tourist, it will add another lifetime of misery to your own karma?"

"Aaah,"  he says. "But that is business.  It is permissible for business..."

So even karma has loopholes!  And a giant one at that, which could pretty much cover just about anything...

I think karma has just lost all credibility with me.

tags: burning ghats  varanasi  karma  hawkers  india